Going Deep: Conversation in the Heat

There’s a reason the best conversations happen in the hot tub. The phones are in the lockers, nobody is rushing anywhere, and the heat slows everyone down. Here’s how to use it.

Why it works

My theory: no phone, no clock, no costume. You’re sitting side by side instead of across a table, and everyone is on the same footing. People say real things sooner.

There’s one more thing working for you. If you’re both in towels, or in nothing at all, there’s not much left to hide. Being a little exposed in real life makes it easier to be honest out loud. That’s a bonus, not a requirement. A towel works just as well, and everyone sets their own comfort level.

Pick your spot

Conversations go best somewhere nobody else is using: the hot tub, an outdoor seating area, a quiet corner. Keep your voices low, and make sure the people nearby aren’t there for silence. More on sharing the space.

Start light

A warm-up question gets things going: best meal, best trip. Don’t open with the heavy stuff. The hot tub questions tool has three depths, and you can pull one at a time.

Go first

If you want a deeper conversation, don’t wait for the other guy to start it. Go first.

Here’s my read on why it works. When you tell someone something real, you hand him something he could use against you. That’s the point. You’re trusting him with it, and most guys answer trust with trust.

The research points the same way, though it doesn’t single out men. A well-known review of the studies found that people who share personal things tend to be liked more, that we share more with the people we like, and that we come to like people because we’ve opened up to them. In one experiment with pairs of people of the same sex, friendship ratings rose more when one person shared something personal than when the talk stayed light.

How to go first:

• Start small. Not your whole life story. Something true and a little uncomfortable: a stress you’re carrying, or a decision you can’t settle.
• Keep it short, then turn it around. Say it in a few sentences, then ask, “What about you?”
• Answer your own question first. If you pull one from the hot tub questions, answer it before you ask it.
• Don’t compete. It isn’t a contest over who has the hardest thing going on.
• Let him pass. If he’d rather not, that’s fine. You’ve shown him it’s safe, and it may come later.

Go where it goes

After a round or two, let it deepen on its own. What are you looking forward to? Who taught you what it means to be a man? What are you carrying right now? Ask one question, then listen. Ask the next question instead of trying to fix the problem.

Let it be quiet

Silence is part of the spa. A long pause isn’t a failure. Sit in it. Somebody will say something when he’s ready.

Never force it

If someone passes on a question, he passes. A few good questions beat a long interrogation.

Keep it there

What’s said in the hot tub stays in the hot tub. Treat what a friend tells you as private. That’s what makes the next conversation possible.

Keep it going

The meal after is often where it continues. And before you leave, ask the question that matters most: when do we do this again?

Sources

• Collins and Miller, Self-disclosure and liking: a meta-analytic review, Psychological Bulletin (1994)
• Walker and Wright, Self-disclosure in friendship (1976)